Asylum Too Far?
Saturday, March 9, 2013 * : Mornin', kids! [A. R. I.] * : Happy National Good Husband day! * : Pardon? * : Today's the day where husbands give their wives everything. Didn't you see that online? * : I don't know, the first site I go to every morning's my football page. Besides, I do that all the time! It is what makes marriage marriage and not something I * : I got three reminders about NGHD from my phone, and I'm not even married! * : So, what's for breakfast today? * : Oh, the usual. * : Well, as saying "the usual" is simply a textual metaphor for food, I can easily eat that. * : I love eating words! * : Me too … not. * : Hey, check this out. * : Omg, you got an UsoKitabu! You do know that's what the cool kids don't use anymore. * : I know, they obviously use PYMShort for "Papo ya maandishi".. Mum's making me get one to improve her online image. * : Wow. That's not shocking at all! * : I've already uploaded one picture. * : But that's the old family photo. * : The one when you got us! * : Goo! * : Yeah … that's the only family photo we've got. It's not easy to get 10 kids to sit still, you know. * : We look … young! * : But you look younger, Daddy. * : That's very kind … let's see what the comments say! * : Dad, if they're mean to you on the Internet, tell an adult. * : Y'know, Mum wants us all to take a family photo some day. * : Maybe that can be your gift! * : Yeah, what's better than sitting like they did in the olden days, waiting for a photograph? * : You don't like getting your picture taken? * : It happens to be 2013, not 2003. * : Wow, that was rude. What if there was a camera right there? * : We'll talk about this later, here comes Mummy! Say nothing about the gift! [Enter Pencil with a handle of a wagon.] * : Oi, e'eryone! I've got'ee some news. * : So did we, but it's nothing! * : Did my package come? * : Nope! But someone better did come. [She pulls the wagon in, carrying Match, who is on her phone.] *'Kids': Aunt Match! * : Hello-M-G, Schreiblets! * : Did you get me any presents? * : What for? Your birthdays were, like, three weeks ago! * : I think what my thoughtful younger brother is saying is that … did you get any presents for us? … But if there's a biggest one, it's mine. * : Oh, I didn't bring presents! Do you people, like, give your housemates presents? * : Housemates? * : Never mind … [she runs into the girls' room] * : Match, wait up! [They lock the door.] * : So, tell me the news! * : [extremely rapidly] Okay, so, like, Eraser and I were having a minor disagreement with each other, and I was, like, "Peace, , I'm out of here", and so I ran across town and somehow, I, like, ended up in my best friend's front yard. Your weird neighbour was there, like, offering to rehabitate, like, me to the suburbs, but I was, like, "Peace, * : We get'e, you like thet word. Omg, I can't believe you're stayin' 'ere! In exile! Oh, wait … wot if 'e follows'e? * : Oh, I told him I was going to one of my, like, side-boys. Then I thought of the five boys at your place, and, like, that's just one of the reasons why I "accidentally" stumbled upon this place. * : You do know thet's not wot "side-boy" means. * : ! Sorry about that. [Silence. The sound of breathing is on the other side of the door.] * : Do you hear breathing? * : It's wot objects do, Match. [She opens the door, and Salvador is standing there.] * : Wot is'e? * : Come on, Match can swear in the house for free, but when I slip-up, I've got to pay my 80 shillings! That's whack, Pencil! * : Oi, sayin' yer own parents' names is swearin' enough. * : True. [Yaretzi appears behind the door as well.] * : You're a-waitin' too? * : Zorah and I have to go to dance class, remember? * : Dance class? I din' know you took thet! * : Neither did I … but you'll know at my recital next Saturday! * : Wait, 'o usually brings'ee to class? * : Melanie Tsavuumod's mum does, but she's sick today. * : Omg, I can drive you to dance class! * : Really? Yay! Thanks, Aunt Match! [They are about to exit.] * : Wait! Where's Zorah? * : Last night, she was watching all these Internet videos, so she couldn't sleep. Then she went to the bathroom and fell asleep on the toilet. * : [going downstairs] N- no, I did not. * : Zorah, yer awake! * : I am!? Oh, I had the weirdest dream. I was falling alseep on the toilet! Toilets are not beds, y'know. They are places to make up evil plans! * : Ora, Aunt Match is taking us to dance class! She lives with us now. * : And the dream is back again! [She floats to the door. Exeunt et intrant Pen with some of the kids.] * : Where'd Match go? * : She's a-droppin' the twins to dance class. Did'ye e'en know they e'en took a dance class? * : Of course! Y'know, their recital is next Saturday. Oh, and also, the kids and I cleaned up the guest room so she could sleep there. * : Oh … acos I thought she was sleepin' with the girls! * : Wait, Aunt Match is sleeping in our room? * : Let me rephrase that … Aunt Match is sleeping in our room? As in the room, which belongs to us, and us only? * : It'll only be fer a few … aye, she can sleep in the guest room. * : Yes! Thank you, Mum, you won't regret it. * : I'll be a-movin' 'er stuff to there! [Exit Pencil. There is a knock on the door with a specific pattern.] * : Uh-oh. I know that knock anywhere. [He opens the door, and Eraser is on the other side.] * : Hey, bro! What is the reason you're here? * : I am sick of that Match girl! Can I live here? * : Er … * : Never mind, I think it's best that I * : leave and not come back? * : No, take the boys' room! What are you acting suspicious for, anything? * : Nothing. [Eraser goes upstairs. His view of Pen gets smaller.] * : Nothing at all. * : Sorry the supplies accidentally mailed to my address instead of yours. * : Oh no, it's okay! * : Hey, are you going to go the same way you came? * : Actually, that is what I'm doing right now! Good thing you people have a trampoline out in your yard. [He jumps out of the window.] * : Here, take this book. It's a physics one, and I'm not taking that. * : Sweet! [Enter Eraser.] *'Boys': Uncle Eraser! * : Sup sup, my bros, your Uncle E's staying with you! Now be excited! * : Yay ... * : WOO-HOO! * : Wow, this is so cool! Eraser's here right after * : I just got the science kit I ordered! * : Your Mjomba is going to rock this house! Just let me get my things ... [Exit Eraser.] * : Salvador, a word. * : Yeah? * : We can't let Uncle Eraser know Aunt Match is here. * : Why? * : They're, like, fighting. And when those two fight, things get really violent. * : So? * : If Aunt Match and Uncle Eraser see each other in the same house, there's going to be an explosion. * : There's nothing wrong with that! I'm really good at ruining relationships! Y'know at school they called me the Great Break-up Sal. * : I thought you didn't like being called that. * : Then I punched them. * : So you see why we can't tell them, right? * : I don't know, explosions can be cool. * : If they make this house explode, you basically lose everything. * : Okay, I'll shut up. * : Penc, I've got some big news. * : Ooh, 's it abou' National 'Usband Day? * : Well ... don't talk about the family photo, don't talk about the family photo ... it's about our visitor. * : Aye, Match's a-droppin' the girls off a' dance. We talked about this before! * : Well … [Enter Eraser.] * : Sup sup, Scheriber fam?! [He runs upstairs.] * : Really? Eraser's 'ere too! But 'e can't be anywhere near M * : y cooking! Sorry, but we've got to stay vigilant lest any onlookers hear. * : , we've got a bigger problem. What are we going to do about dinner? * : Well, maybe we can have the two adults eat in the kids' rooms! * : No no no no no ... there's no eatin' in the rooms! Remember wot 'appened las' time? [Small flashback to a half-eaten ice lolly on the floor, and a throng of BFDI insects gather to eat it.] * : An' it so happens thet the doctor ga'm ter all the kids on their yearly nutrition checkup … three years ago! * : Come on, you don't want Match and Eraser to, like, explode the house or anything? * : I see. * : Hey, everyone! [A.R.I.] * : Can I, like, grab a seat? * : No, you may not. * : What do you mean? * : Well, this is the S-family dinner, an' yer simply jus' … * : a visitor! * : Also, we have twelve chairs, for the entire family. * : And the person in charge of getting the chairs is Salvador. * : No, it's not! It's Zorah's turn! * : Omg, come on! I'm technically, like, a Schreiber! I dated into one just as my mother, like, did! * : But eating in my room is so fun! * : Yeah! Mummy never lets us do it! * : Omg, like, if it's doing something the kids can't do, then never let me out of this paradise! [She runs back to her room.] * : Speakin' o', where're Zorer an' Yaretzi? * : Why don't you call them? They might still be at dance. * : Okay. * : Oh, come on! Mum can use her phone during dinner but I can't? * : Well, this might be a life-or-death situation. * : Oi, Pen, shut up. This could be serious business. * : As long as she says "goodbye" at the end, I'm okay with it. * : Wow! [Zorah's phone rings. Yaretzi picks it up.] * : Hello? * : This is Issie? * : Yeah! * : Are'ee in dance class? * : We are in a better place. Say hi, Zorah! * : That you, Mum? * : Oi, holy , wot 'appened? * : This new dance place is awesome! I've learned more things here in two hours than I've ever learned in two months there at that old dance place! * : Thet's great an' all, but 'ow long're'ee * : Sorry, Mummy, but we can't talk now. Someone is coming over, and I don't want to break the rules. [She hangs up.] * : [from home] She hung up … without saying "goodbye"! Your nicest child … is the rudest person ever! * : Oh, calm your poop. [Yaretzi sees the lady approaching. She is Puffball from BFDIA.''The early episodes of this season often have guest stars from other object shows.] * : Hey, girl. * : Yes, your Colourness? * : I could tell you are new here. * : N- no, we've been going here for 47 years. * : For one thing, you're on your mobile phone. * : Well, I had to call my mother * : And second, that one is sleeping! * : Excuse me, but I had a dream that I was on the toilet, and it came true! * : I did not need to know that. How did you even get here? * : Well, our parents' names are … I can't say them, Mummy told us not to be like Chavo. That's my younger brother, by the way. * : They're Pencil and Pen, as in ''the ones from BFDI. * : [glistening] I know. I was with your mother. * : Like … dating? * : No, we were in the second season, BFDIA, together! Sad to think that fans of that show will always remember me as the one who made the team lose just for the prize * : Do you want to know how we got here or not? * : Wow, you're certainly a mouthful … anyways, go on. * : I remember it like it was two hours ago. [Flashback.] : : Hey, Yaretzi, we're, like, going to your dance class, right? : : For the third time in five minutes, yes. : : Do you know which one it is? : : Er … that's usually Zorah's job. [trying to wake up her sister] Zorah, do you know which danc : : I don't care, just drop us at a good one. : : Okay, Aunt Match, she said any good one. : : Okay! I'll drop you off at Phan Xi's Dance Academy. It's the place that my cousins went to learn ballroom dancing! : : Wow, ballroom dancing! I've always danced in ball pits, but a room full of balls? OMG! : : Yeah, that's the Omg-spirit! [The flashback is interrupted.] * : So you're saying you just arrived here with no intention of it? * : I guess so. * : Well, that must also mean that you probably did not pay. I'm sorry, daughters of FreeSmart, but you can't stay here any longer. [They literally get kicked out and find themselves in the woods.] * : Oh no, the woods. I'm really scared of the woods! * : It's not just woods, though. There's a convenience store too! [Amidst the trees is a small shop with its lights on.] * : We probably shouldn't go in there. What if we interrupt a conversation there? * : There's food, drinks, air … it's just like our house, but more organised. * : Okay, we can go in if you want to. * : Alright, for all you people out there who think that a father of ten can't take a decent family photo … I'm here to prove you wrong, as this video-journal not a video-diary will show you guys how the most beautiful man ever can actually get his stuff together. [He hears a low-pitched sound similar to that of a bus.] * : Wait a second … did a bus pass by our house … or an oversized whale? Time to investigate! And remember, if there's a screamer at the end, I saw it too. * : And it appears that the strange sound is coming from the room of my usually five daughters, but now it's three because two of them are apparently sleeping at * : Dad! Thank goodness you're here to save us! * : How did you live with her snoring like this? * : I don't know … maybe it's more family-friendly here so they want us know that she's really sleeping? * : They? [In a brief breaking-the-fourth-wall moment, Pen looks at (his) camera.] * : Yeah, they! [He winks at the camera] * : [to the girls] Why didn't she like the room that we made in the guest room? * : She did at first, but then someone told her that Grandpa slept there! * : I am still sorry! * : But we all pretty much still believe that room is cursed. * : Now because of you we're stuck with … this! * : I'm starting to get used to it. Are you? * : Girls, this isn't exactly the best time to fight. Try to deal with her and … good night. [A.R.I. Exit Pen.] * : [with earmuffs on] I'm going to need these tonight. * : Ooh, can we have some? * : Sure! * : Thanks. * : Asante. Sunday, March 10, 2013 * : Guys, wake up! Mum and Dad want us to do an impromptu family meeting. * : What could they want? * : I don't think they did anything wrong! [The girls hurry to the back of the sofa—the family meeting area, as do the boys from upstairs.] * : What's going on? * : Y'know 'ow yer Aun' Match an' Uncle Eraser can't see each other? * : Yeah, or else the world is going to explode! * : Well, we've changed the official weekend breakfast time. * : Aw, come on! * : Aye, now 'nstead o' noon, it's ele'en forty-five! * : That's horrible; every girl deserves her beauty sleep. * : This one's differen'. * : Since neither Aunt Match nor Uncle Eraser can go downstairs at once, we've decided that they will be eating breakfast in your rooms. * : Um, no offence, Dad, but Uncle Eraser is a total slob. * : Yeah! * : It's true, and that's coming from a slob himself. * : Oh, I'm sure it can't be that bad. * : [obliviously] See, it's not that Holy bleep, you're right; this place is a mess. * : Mind if I get a video of this? * : We want to see this in future! * : [showing the video] See, it's that bad. [Pencil gasps.] * : Shh, Mummy, you might wake him up! * : Oh, no worries. Your uncle wakes up at 1500 hours, y'know, when he has to. * : Well, Aunt Match is even worse! Mum, she snores louder than an entire farm! * : I hate to be representing the younger population, but she's right. * : Oh, thet's jus' 'ow she sleeps! An' you really should be a bit nicer; she is our gues'. * : Then would our guest leave the two twin sisters in the middle of nowhere? * : Middl' o' nowhere? No, they're sleepin' a' dance camp! * : Here, I'll call them. * : Okay, this is insane. You guys really need to learn to be nicer to my brother and sister. * : Aye, 'ow would'ee like'e'f one o' yer kids says somethin' bad abou' any o' yer brothers an' sisters? * : I'd be okay with it! * : Same! * : Well, that was easy. * : I'll get the cardboard! [The kids scatter.] * : [sigh] This is why if we were a TV show parents would complain. * : Yay, a wake-up call! * : Who's going to answer? Noa or Zebulon? * : No one. [sadly] We're still at the convenience store. [She turns her phone off.] * : This is horrible! * : It can't be that bad. We'll just ask the clerk! [They enter the store, and there does not seem to be anyone at the register except for an old BFDIA contestant, Fries.] * : Hello, and welcome to the Fries Not Served of the Shingo Woods, may I … [realising] Wait, wait, wait, NO! Get away from here, black-eyed kids! I've heard of you people before! You wander the woods in the middle of the night, appear at people's doorsteps, and then kill me alive! And the worst part … I can't make any innuendo-filled puns around you! * : Well, here's a warm welcome! * : Yeah, you have black eyes too! * : Wait … you guys look familiar! Have I seen you before? * : We are the twin daughters of Mum and Dad. * : But that's not important right now. * : I was just asking. * : Mr. Fries-not-served, we have a question too. * : Ask away! Some people say I'm a genius. * : I wonder who. * : I could hear that, by the way. We three are the only people here! * : Have you seen my dad pass by? * : What does he look like? * : Tall, white surface, always wears a blue cap … * : I think you described one of the BFDIA rejects. [Yaretzi and Zorah look at each other.] * | }}: That's him. * : Why did they just leave us? * : Maybe it's a social test or something. * : What kind of test could potentially result in an explosion? * : The kind I would never want to take! * : And you do like your tests. [Enter Match.] * : Mornin', kids. [A.R.I.] * : I don't know why, but I think I'm forgetting someone. Or someones. * : Aunt Match, you did forget someone. * : Yeah, they were Yaretzi and Zorah. * : Oh, , I forgot them! * : Don't worry, Mum and Dad are going to find them. * : They're not at their, like, regular dance academy! * : Then … where are they? * : Only the best in the land, Phan Xi's! * : I'll text Mum and let her know where she is. * : Good idea. I'll be getting some, like, food! * : Okay, but the quinoa kale hybrid is mine! * : No, like, worries, Lallie, I eat them separately! [Match enters the snack pantry.] * : Ooh, this is going to be perfect! * : What's the plan again? * : When Aunt Match goes in there, Sio'll be in an Eraser-box, and then she's going to fall in love! * : And then, when she sees how much she loves him, she's going to find the real Uncle Eraser, and just imagine her surprise when he'll really be here! It'll be, like, the best love story E''-ver! Behind Romeo and Juliet, right? * : I too get attached to Shakesperian tragedy. * : [as Eraser in cardboard form] ''ROAR! * : OH, SWEET G-D I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU MADE IT INTO THIS HOUSE! IF MY OF A BROTHER THINKS HE CAN TAKE IN TWO OF US, YOU'LL BET HE HAS, LIKE, NO WAY OF CRITICAL THINKING! NOW DIE, YOU DUMB -STEALER! NOW GO AWAY BEFORE I * : Woah, woah, woah, Aunt Match! It's just me in Uncle Eraser's disguise. * : Sorry about that, like, seriously. I think I swore so much we just made a language barrier. * : Meh. * : Why did you scare me like that? * : Well … that would be … Help me out, anyone? * : Omg, there's a 90% sale at PURPLE! * : Thank you! [He breathes out a sigh of relief.] * : Just glad Dad didn't find ou [A snoring sound is heard from the boys' room.] * : Omg, call me crazy, but I think I heard Eraser up in your room. * : You're crazy. * : Besides that, that snoring is just the boys' dumb alarm tone. * : Yeah, we recorded it last time we came to your house. * : [sigh] Yeah, back when he and I were ... still 100% a couple! * : Don't be sad, Aunt Match! * : Yeah, I'm sure we'd all like to hear the story! [She eyes Sio, who does not notice.] * : I said, we'd all like to hear your story! * : Oh! Yeah, I'll take the boys up. Sorry, delayed reaction. * : That was so, like, Eraser of you. As my mother would say, it, like, explains Klisura Pass in 1941. * : We have to take care of something. [The boys go up.] * : Who was that an insult to? * : I honestly have no idea. * : Can you put that book down for once? You've been reading it all morning! * : No way! Physics is life! * : Uncle Eraser, wake up! * : Wh- who that? * : It's just me. * : And me. * : And me. * : Goo! * : Oh, brother. * : What are you boys doing up here so early in the morning? * : That's what I'' was saying! * : It's your night-mouth-farting! * : Wh Oh, you mean my snoring! * : Yeah, that's what QR calls it. * : Why would you want to curb my snoring? You guys sound just like your evil Aunt Match. And besides, snoring is a core part of being ''manly, just like me! Here, I'll teach you! * : More sleep? I can't believe I'm saying this, but thank you! * : ... and that ... is, like, why I have always wanted to love a man! * : That was so sweet! * : Yeah! [Through multiplication the snoring gets louder.] * : HEY! WILL YOU FIVE JUST SHUT OFF THE ALARM ALREADY? * : How about we go outside right now? The air is fresh! * : Okay ... [She leads the girls out the door.] * : Omg! I just realized something! * : Yeah? * : You said there are five boys up there, and there are three of them. But! Five plus three is ... no, wait ... eight! And when your parents came back with you people, they said they have, like, ten kids! And yesterday, I took two of them to, like, their dance class! Omg, they're probably still, like, at Phan Xi's and I left them there! Omg, I'd better go! [She runs off.] * : [in the distance] I'm a idiot. * : Bye! * : Really? Potatoes aren't annoying! * : Zorah, can you see the man? * : I'm sorry, but I just want to go home. * : Wouldn't it be a miracle if your parents finally arrived? * : Alright, I think they are 'ere. An' will'ee stop carryin' thet camera? * : [to the camera] Hear that, people? My wife doesn't want her beautiful self displayed on camera! * : Our kids're in an 'ostage siteration, I don' care fer bein' a celebrity on the small screen again! [beat] Well, maybe fer a second. [She takes the camera.] * : Oi, viewers, sometimes I feel 's if I'm th' only sane person in this family. [Pen looks through the slightly opaque window.] * : Good news, Penc! I see them, and it looks like ... they're playing card games with an old man! * : WOT? No girls o' mine be h'a'll playin' with an ol' man! Take me camera boy, I'm a-goin' in! * : I don't think it's such a good idea to break through a glass door. * : Easy there, I'm made o' wood. * : Fries, the adjective is "long". I don't see how funny that is. [Zorah laughs.] * : You innocent little self! [Suddenly, Pencil cracks through the glass door.] * : Excuse me, but the door is open. [He turns around.] * : Holy potatoes, you're Pencil! How do you do, FreeSmarter, and what's it like to ana''phase from my team? * : Fine, very well, m8. * : It's been so ''hard [snorts] to keep in touch with the rest of the cast. I saw, like, four contestants in the last month, and if you count Nonexisty, two rejects! [He sees Pen leaning against the wall.] * : Make that three. What's up, Pen? * : Not much, Fries, only, y'know ... rescuing my daughters! * : You seriously know who I am? * : Of course! You were a fan favourite back at the TLC; we all thought you were pretty cool. * : Thanks! * : [to the camera] See, viewers? This is just a part of the daily compliments I'' give to people. * : Sorry, 'e's jus' workin' on some ''fiction documentary on us er somethin'. * : Mummy, can we go home now? * : Sure! 'Twas nice to meet'ee h'again! Say j'y-a good-bye to the nice man, girls. * : Bye! * : Thanks for not killing us. [Pen brings them to the car.] * : Kids. * : Try livin' with ten. Bye, m8! [Exeunt.] Category:Episodes Category:New episode